Whatever will be will be

I have a tendency to think that I’m somewhat of a loner. And I suppose there is some truth to that statement. I can spend many hours or even days by myself without feeling lonely. I enjoy my alone time, whether it’s filled with reading, writing, playing games, or just singing to myself at full volume. I never do get up the courage to sing loudly when there are others around.

I also don’t appreciate masses of people the way others do. They make me feel nervous and edgy, and god forbid I’m the center of attention. Want to see me turn beet red? Have a crowd focus their attention solely on me. I have no grand dreams to be a movie star or something similar. I value my privacy far too much.

On the other hand, my personality has shifted towards being much more social and outgoing than I previously was. Back in high school, I was painfully shy. Literally. Maybe the reason no one ever remembered my name was because no one remembers the wall flower, especially when she has two rather boisterous friends (they were still awesome friends though). University and college were no better. I made one or two friends in the entire 5 years and I didn’t keep in contact with them. And talking to guys? That was yet another way to get me to blush.

I’m not entirely certain where my personality turned around or even what caused it. Perhaps working in retail helped develop my backbone, made me bold. After all, it’s hard to stay completely shy when you have to yell over 30 10-year-olds. Maybe it was my roommate being downright stubborn about pulling me out of my shell. Or it could just be good old growing up.

Regardless, I can now do things I would have never thought possible before. Talking over Ventrilo with someone new? No problem, I greet them with a cheery hello. Years ago I would have died rather than talk to a stranger. As a matter of fact, in high school, my phone conversations with my friends would never go over 1/2 an hour. These days I can spend all day talking with someone I’ve never met in person, albeit it’s not a non-stop conversation. At least over Vent, I’m still a bit rusty over the phone.

In person I’m still somewhat shy but I don’t get flustered just from someone paying attention to me. When someone asks me what my interests are, I don’t answer with “stuff” and “things” anymore because I’m not as self-conscience about what I tell them. If we have similar interests, I can actually keep up a good conversation for a couple hours. Hell, I can even crack jokes without freaking out. I’m able to talk about myself in respect to deep meaningful topics without being paranoid that everyone will think I’m crazy. My shell is still there but it’s much thinner than it was before.

I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve but I’m not as terrified as I was before that I’m going to be hurt. Oh I still worry, wondering if everything will come crashing down on me if I say one wrong word or do one wrong thing. But I’ve also come to the realization that living safe all the time isn’t living. If I don’t take the chance of giving a little bit of myself in hopes that it might improve my life, I’ll go nowhere. If I get rejected, then oh well, that person probably wasn’t worth my time anyways.

Part of me is still the misanthrope, taking pleasure in being by myself, away from others. But more and more I’m realizing that there are people out there who do know where I’m coming from and can actually relate to me. In years past I felt as though I was my own race, the only one left (there’s teen angst for you). But curiousity prompted me to crawl out from under my rock and actually take a look around. I may still be different from the majority and unique in my own respects, but I am not alone. Not by a long shot.

*quietly sings “Que Sera Sera” as she wanders off*

November 9, 2009 No comments

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