28Oct '14
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A MST3K Halloween – The Incredible Melting Man

For Day 7 we have The Incredible Melting Man!

How bad is it? 3.7/10 on IMDB

Why is it so bad? The monster is an astronaut who got “just a little bit radioactive” on a trip to Saturn, which somehow caused him to slowly melt. His reaction to this is to become a murderous cannibal that goops all over the place. This movies was originally intended to be a parody of sci-fi B-movies, but halfway through they decided to try to make it into an actual horror movie. Which is why it’s full of wooden acting (or overacting), cheap special effects, weird sound effects, silly scenes (such as watching an old couple steal lemons), and boring scenes (like a woman sitting alone knitting). On the bright side, a lot of people end up dead!

The whole episode is available on YouTube.

27Oct '14
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A MST3K Halloween – Samson vs. The Vampire Women

I know this is a little late but Day 6’s movie is Samson vs. The Vampire Women.

How bad is it? 3.2/10 on IMDB

Why is it so bad? In America, you would call Buffy to slay vampires. In Mexico, they call Samson, a wrestler in a mask, tights, and a sparkling cape. I can’t make this stuff up. Their special effects budget must have been mighty low because the bats are obviously rubber and the “ancient scrolls” look like a 5-year-old’s painting. The vampires attack people by karate chopping them and kicking them while they’re down. Oh, and staring at people REALLY hard.

Watch the entire episode on YouTube.

26Oct '14
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A MST3K Halloween – Zombie Nightmare

More ’80s fun on Day 5 with Zombie Nightmare!

How bad is it? 2.2/10 on IMDB.

Why is it so bad? When your son is hit by a car, don’t take him to a hospital, take him to a voodoo priestess! That way can be raised as a zombie to avenge his own death. Adam West is in it…only he doesn’t appear for the first 45 minutes of the movie. All the worst hairstyles and fashions from the ’80s, plus ’80s rock music. A shirt that’s not see-through and yet somehow manages to show man nipples. Soggy jockstraps (ewwwwwwww). Filler scenes include a car driving around a lot and a tennis game. There’s an Italian convenience store owner named Mr. Peters. So many campy accents. After she manages to run away from the zombie, a woman just stands around and waits for him to catch up and kill her.

Watch the whole episode on YouTube.

25Oct '14
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A MST3K Halloween – Squirm

Day 4’s film Squirm is brought to you by the deep, deep South.

How bad is it? 4.4/10 on IMDB. I have no idea how it got rated that high.

Why is it so bad? The big bad monsters in this movie are…earthworms. A lot of earthworms turned into flesh-eaters after being electrocuted. I’m not sure how that works either. “C’mon, no one’s that Southern.” The antiquing city-slicker gets knocked out by a flimsy sheet of particle board (and he’s the hero of the movie). After the extensive searching for Mr. Beardsly, the couple finds a skeleton in his yard…and have no idea who it could be. Creepy children’s songs. The line “You gonna be da’ worm face!”

Watch it all on YouTube, plus the bonus short A Case of Spring Fever, which turns out to be more terrifying than Squirm.

24Oct '14
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A MST3K Halloween – Hobgoblins

Riding the wave of ’80s Gremlins rip-offs is Hobgoblins, our film for Day 3.

How bad is it? 2.3/10 on IMDB. I’m surprised it’s even that high.

Why is it so bad? A group of hobgolins are stuffed into a tiny flying saucer that happens to crash land in a movie studio parking lot. Somehow, they can kill you with your fantasies and boy do the main characters have some strange ones. The solution? Put them in an old movie vault that anyone can and will get into. An exciting fight with garden rakes! The hobgoblins escape on a golf cart. Awful, awful ’80s dancing. One of the couples do it every chance they have like a pair of rabbits on cocaine (thankfully offscreen). There’s a place in the movie called “Club Scum”. And of course the answer to everything is the long-standing movie tradition of…explosives.

Watch the whole thing on YouTube!

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