25Oct '14
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A MST3K Halloween – Zombie Nightmare

More ’80s fun on Day 5 with Zombie Nightmare!

How bad is it? 2.2/10 on IMDB.

Why is it so bad? When your son is hit by a car, don’t take him to a hospital, take him to a voodoo priestess! That way can be raised as a zombie to avenge his own death. Adam West is in it…only he doesn’t appear for the first 45 minutes of the movie. All the worst hairstyles and fashions from the ’80s, plus ’80s rock music. A shirt that’s not see-through and yet somehow manages to show man nipples. Soggy jockstraps (ewwwwwwww). Filler scenes include a car driving around a lot and a tennis game. There’s an Italian convenience store owner named Mr. Peters. So many campy accents. After she manages to run away from the zombie, a woman just stands around and waits for him to catch up and kill her.

Watch the whole episode on YouTube.

24Oct '14
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A MST3K Halloween – Squirm

Day 4’s film Squirm is brought to you by the deep, deep South.

How bad is it? 4.4/10 on IMDB. I have no idea how it got rated that high.

Why is it so bad? The big bad monsters in this movie are…earthworms. A lot of earthworms turned into flesh-eaters after being electrocuted. I’m not sure how that works either. “C’mon, no one’s that Southern.” The antiquing city-slicker gets knocked out by a flimsy sheet of particle board (and he’s the hero of the movie). After the extensive searching for Mr. Beardsly, the couple finds a skeleton in his yard…and have no idea who it could be. Creepy children’s songs. The line “You gonna be da’ worm face!”

Watch it all on YouTube, plus the bonus short A Case of Spring Fever, which turns out to be more terrifying than Squirm.

23Oct '14
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A MST3K Halloween – Hobgoblins

Riding the wave of ’80s Gremlins rip-offs is Hobgoblins, our film for Day 3.

How bad is it? 2.3/10 on IMDB. I’m surprised it’s even that high.

Why is it so bad? A group of hobgolins are stuffed into a tiny flying saucer that happens to crash land in a movie studio parking lot. Somehow, they can kill you with your fantasies and boy do the main characters have some strange ones. The solution? Put them in an old movie vault that anyone can and will get into. An exciting fight with garden rakes! The hobgoblins escape on a golf cart. Awful, awful ’80s dancing. One of the couples do it every chance they have like a pair of rabbits on cocaine (thankfully offscreen). There’s a place in the movie called “Club Scum”. And of course the answer to everything is the long-standing movie tradition of…explosives.

Watch the whole thing on YouTube!

22Oct '14
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A MST3K Halloween – The Creeping Terror

For Day 2 of our “scary” MST3K movies, we have the monster movie The Creeping Terror.

How bad is it? 2.1/10 on IMDB. It beats Werewolf though!

Why is it so bad? The director’s idea of “space age technology” is lots of dials and meters. Whole walls of them. The thing that makes this movie so horrible though is the star of the show: the monster. It looks like a pile of discarded carpets that came to life, and its shape is uh…interesting. It hasn’t mastered the art of walking it seems so it has got to be THE slowest monster in existence. “Creeping” is really an apt description of it. It’s so slow that the only way it catches its victims is when they throw themselves into its mouth. I almost feel sorry for the movie makers because rumor has it that they had a much more impressive monster built for this movie but it was stolen a few days before shooting began. I say “almost” because they then decided that throwing together this carpet monstrosity was good enough and filmed anyways.

Want to watch the whole thing? It’s on YouTube!

21Oct '14
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A MST3K Halloween – Werewolf

I love bad movies. Not the ones that are so boring that they put you to sleep, but the ones are done so horribly that you can’t help but laugh at them. So it shouldn’t be surprising that I’m a huge of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

MST3K took bad movies and made them better (worse?) by adding jokes and hilarious commentary that make them worth watching. It ran for 11 seasons, totaling in 197 episodes, because there are a LOT of horrible movies out there. Since one of their favorite genres was “horror” (and I use that term loosely when describing these movies), I think it would be appropriate to feature some of them for Halloween. Let’s say 10 movies over 10 days. This should be fun. ;)

For Day 1, we have one of my favorites: Werewolf.

How bad is it? 1.6/10 on IMDB

Why is it so bad? The characters seem to be incapable of pronouncing “werewolf” correctly and even change how they say it from scene to scene. Despite the fact that the first werewolf is deader than a door nail (it’s just a skeleton), even getting the smallest scratch from it results in the person turning into a werewolf. Yuri’s hair style changes every time that he appears on the screen. Joe Estevez (Martin Sheen’s brother) appears for the first half hour of the movie and is never seen again. One woman being chased by a werewolf has plenty of time to get away, but she somehow manages to stumble into a shallow mud puddle in the middle of the desert and just lays there screaming instead. A car drives into a stack of barrels placed in the middle of an empty parking lot and explodes because…reasons. And finally, the phrase “sleeping nose to anus”.

If you haven’t seen Werewolf yet, you’re in luck! The entire MST3K episode is on YouTube. Enjoy!

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