I wish I could tell you that the reason I’ve been so quiet is because I’ve recovered completely from carpal tunnel and have been binge-playing games like a mad woman. Unfortunately, that’s not how things are. Technically the nerve damage from the carpal tunnel is gone. I had a nerve conduction test done back in December and the results were that the nerves in my arms are 100% healthy again. But it seems that my muscles and tendons are still sore and inflamed, which doesn’t make life much easier than before.
Sometimes I have good days where my hands and arms feel mostly fine, maybe a little ache in the wrist and stiffness in the shoulder. Then there are the bad days where I ache from fingertip to neck on one or both arms even when I’m not moving, so much so that I have difficulty sleeping. Just the other day, my forearm muscles were so sore that pushing up the sleeve on my hoodie felt like it was pressing against a giant bruise. And another time both arms had that stiff achiness you get from lifting weights for a few hours, only I hadn’t done anything more strenuous than carrying empty cardboard boxes.
Using the computer is the worst though. I think mousing is more harmful than typing but when you have sore fingertips, it all hurts. I know it’s really bad when I can’t use the touchscreen on my phone without pain. A few weeks ago, I made the mistake of trying to play Wurm Unlimited with some friends for a few hours, only to spend the next two days paying for it.
Using a controller is a little better, especially the Steam controller that I bought. The trackpads are a godsend and the controller allows me to hold my wrists in the more natural position. So for a while, I was able to enjoy playing The Sims 3, The Long Dark, ESO, and Torchlight II. But after a while it became obvious that even that was making me relapse so I had to stop. It’s been a few weeks now that I’ve been able to play a game.
It sucks so much. I’m so tired of just sitting around watching TV because there’s little else for me to do. I’m sick of having to wear wrist braces to bed. I feel so useless not even being able to shovel snow in my yard. My whole life feels like it’s shrunken down to two useless and painful limbs. I get depressed and stressed even more easily than before. My outlet before has always been playing games, to help me work out my frustrations or distract me from my troubles. There are few things better than games at engaging and entertaining my mind. Now it’s just me and my thoughts, and my thoughts were never kind to me to begin with. And to make matters worse, every time I talk about the pain and the stress, I feel like I’m just whining over and over again and nobody wants to hear it and they’re all wishing for me to shut the hell up already. God, I’m even sick of my own whining. I’m bored with myself. I feel like I’m boring to everyone else. I feel stupid for even writing this post.
I know this will all be better at some point (at least I really hope there so) but I don’t know when that will be. I don’t know when I’ll be able to play games again without pain. I wish so much that it was just done and over with. I want to have fun again, to be able to play and talk about games instead of living vicariously through other bloggers. I want to be Lord Crumb’s co-op partner again, I want to game with my friends.
I think I’ve said everything there is to say now. I’m sorry if I brought anyone else down.